I'm On To You Now!

You guys remember that final scene in "The Matrix"? The one where Keanu Reeves tells the machines how it's all about to go down? Well you guys can just call me "Neo" from now on because my eyes are open. I'm on to you. I SEE THE MATRIX!

(Incidentally, has anyone ever realized that "The Matrix" and "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" are really the same move?...Think about it.

1) They both deal with alternate realities
2) They both deal with travel through phone lines
3) They both have central characters who are brought up to speed by an all-knowing mentor wearing awesome sunglasses
4) and last but not least, in both movies, Keanu Reeve's most convincing line was "Whoa!")

Okay but back to my rant now and let's see if you guys can follow what's going on here because I've finally put it all together!

It's the end of moving day, right? Which means that even my best laid plans have gone awry. Which means that, even though I did the laundry and carefully planned out the events two nights ago, the people helping me move had packed a mountain of boxes over and around the clean underwear I had planned on changing into which means that I couldn't find clean underwear which means that I'd been in the same underwear for almost 40 hours which means that I was about to go crazy, get a gun, and climb a clock tower.

Still with me? Good!

I have the most awesomist bed in the entire universe. Even when I'm not that tired, it only takes about 5 minutes to be in deep REM sleep in this thing. I need the bed to get a decent night's sleep because I basically have more metal in my body than a terminator (another awesome movie). However, for the last month, I've been here in Plymouth and my bed has been in Baraboo which means I've slept on a mattress on the floor in our new house until my daughter graduated High School and the family could move here. Which means that I've only slept about 3 or 4 hours a night for the last month.

Okay now...It's the end of moving day. I can't take a shower because I don't have clean underwear to change into and I stink to high heaven. The good news is that at least I don't have to chase the dog off my bed. He's at the far end of the house.

Despite my filthy-stinking state, I take a look at that bed...that bed I'd been deprived of for the last 30 days. I couldn't even wait for clean sheets. I did a perfect swan and was deep asleep before my body hit the mattress. But I eventually woke up. (it must have been the smell)

So I got up and, because I was a bit more revived, digging through boxes to find my clean underwear did not seem like such an insurmountable task. I finally found them an hour ago and what was an impossible situation before now turned into the perfect situation.

Everyone else in the house was asleep and still smelling. I alone knew that there was clean underwear to be had. I had clean clothes, clean towels, and (most importantly) an ENTIRE WATER HEATER ALL TO MYSELF. Do any of you realize how rare that is? It's Sunday morning...I don't care how early on Sunday...and I can use all the hot water I want because by the time the rest of my filthy-stinking loved-ones get up, the water heater will have regenerated enough for them to take their meagre rationed showers.

Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! (there's nothing like a hot shower)...but this is where it gets interesting. I've realized that the people who make bath tubs and the people who make shampoo and body wash are all conspiring against us...maybe even the undertakers, coffin-makers, and even the people who make those annoying little flower shaped adhesive thingies so you won't slip and break your neck.

Stay focused now 'cause this is liable to get a little complicated.

The average width of the shelf in a tub is two inches. You even have to take away three-eights of an inch to account for the radius of the curve caused by the caulking. I know...I checked...I found my tape measure while I was looking for underwear.

Thing is...the DAMNABLE THING IS!!!! that shampoo bottles and body wash bottles are all no less than three inches in diameter (except for the freebies that come in hotel rooms but I just realized that fits neatly into their nefarious little plan)

You see where I'm going with this, don't you? You're in the shower, you're all lathered up and you just put a big ol' glob of shampoo in your hand or body wash on your loofah and you try and balance that 3" diameter bottle on a space that is only two inches wide with a little, 3/8" caulk line trying to unbalance it and knock it back into the tub where its contents will gush out, causing you to slip and fall and break your stupid neck unless you buy those annoying flower-shaped (or fish shaped) adhesive thingies that nobody really likes but has to buy to stay alive and smelling sweet!

It HAS to be a conspiracy! It just has to be! How hard is it to build a three-inch shelf? I'll even give 'em the 3/8" caulk line. All I'm asking for is a sporting chance. For that matter...how hard is it to build a skinny shampoo bottle?

The hotels make them! And it's not just because they don't want you absconding with a big bottle either because they all know that when the maid's back is turned...we're all busy stuffing those life-savers in our extra bag that we brought along just so we could have enough space to put them! And don't give me any business about stealing. They build it into the price. They expect you to take them. If nobody took the shampoo bottles and the toilet paper when the maid's back was turned...we could all stay at the Hilton for a buck-fifty a night.

Noooo...They make 'em tiny because they don't want you slipping and falling and breaking your neck in their hotel. They want you doing it at home where your surviving kin cannot sue anyone!

So there it is! The entire conspiracy wrapped up neat and tidy. You're all exposed!

...or maybe I could just use another three or four hour's sleep.