Why I Have Forsaken Broccoli in an Effort to Save the Planet

A while back, a co-worker came into my office and indignantly pulled my dormant cell phone charger from the wall. What followed was a sort of dressing down by the co-worker who lectured me on the evils of leaving an un-used cell phone charger plugged into an electrical socket.

Really descriptive phrases like, "energy vampire" were tossed about. I defended myself to no avail. I even protested that I love our planet (I do love it, you know...after all...my kids live here). But really...how much waste could a dormant cell-phone charger cause? It's not like I see the lights flicker or dim when I plug the thing in!

Luckily, we have all sorts of tools and gadgets in our office to measure such things so I wandered out into the shop, procurred one and proceeded to test just how much energy I was wasting by leaving my cell phone charger plugged in when it wasn't charging anything.

6 watts. That's what it was wasting. 6 watts over a 24 hour period.

Now, to the uninitiated, 6 watts might seem like a lot and it really is if you take into account the fact that there are 1.35 billion cell phones in use world wide. Assuming that half of them charge by wall socket and not car...and if we assume that all of them are energy vampires like myself...that means that over 4 gigawatts are being wasted every 24 hours. That's enough energy to send 3 Deloreans travelling through the space-time continuum and still have a bit more to spare (once every 7 days, we get to send 4). Now, I don't care how you slice it...that's serious energy.

But still, I enjoy leaving my cell phone charger plugged in. I don't have to hunt for it and, let's face it, at my age and weight, every instance of bending down to plug something into a receptacle is a risky venture. So I wondered if I might do something else to save the carbon emissions required to generate that 6 watts of energy every day and, I must say, my research has yeilded rich fruit indeed!

Every organism on the planet with a digestive tract emits an average daily quantity of (how shall I put this?)...."miasmic eruptions" As it happens, our federal government in an endeavor that I had heretofore thought insane, has funded research into the quantity and nature of these bowel burps.

It has been established that, on an average day, an average human will emit about fourteen of these totaling about half a liter volume.

The exact chemical nature of these eruptions varies depending upon the intake of the person in question but, on average, about a fourth of these eruptions is a combustable gas called methane.

Coincidentally, methane is also a greenhouse gas.

There are 28 liters in a cubic foot and 1200 BTU/ft3 of methane. and there are 3.4 BTU/watt of energy. Assuming an efficiency rate of 80%, it takes, therefore 4.25 BTU to generate 1 watt of electricity.

Following that criteria, The average human expels enough methane to create approximately 0.6 watts of electricity...about a tenth of the energy required to power that cell phone charger for 24 hours.

Ah...but heres the wrinkle....both the quantity and, in this instance, quality of these miasmic eruptions increases substantially when humans ingest certain foods. (Broccoli, Cabbage, Beans...) In fact, ingestion of these food items can increase the volume and methane content over ten times...My wife asserts that this is a most conservative estimate.

It follows, therefore, that for every day I do not eat broccoli, I save the planet enough greenhouse emissions to create 6 watts of electricity...exactly the amount I require to leave my cell phone charger plugged into the wall guilt free. It's my own little personal "Cap and Trade"

So there it is...it's what I'm doing to save the planet...

(I am working on an invention that will allow the eating of broccoli and take those emissions and convert them to the necessary energy to power my cell phone charger but the prototype for the collection system is not quite ready for certain "Victorian prejudices" still prevalent in today's enlightened society)

I apologize for my faulty math but it seems that this is even a better deal than I had previously thought!

1/28 x 0.25 x 1200 x .80 /3.4 x 10 = 25 watts. Meaning that for every day I don't eat broccoli...three other people besides myself can leave their cell charger plugged in guilt free!. This is really exciting news. We could even market it in a sort of "friends and family" type venture!

(note to self..."Call Verizon")